New questions everyday.
Matthew818
Last seen 7 months agoRecent Answers
What is your greatest talent?
" Bein' - get this - real cool. (Runs hand through hair, raising eyebrow and smiling with half my mouth) "
" Bein' - get this - real cool. (Runs hand through hair, raising eyebrow and smiling with half my mouth) "
What celebrity do you look like?
" No celebrity, but somehow bear resemblance to everyone who is a cousin named Paul. "
" No celebrity, but somehow bear resemblance to everyone who is a cousin named Paul. "
Your wife and highschool love has suffered from depression for several years, refuses help, and will not get out of bed. At what point do you leave?
" I don't. We actually work this one out, because she's just being a stubborn bitch. Get the hell out of bed Maria! "
" I don't. We actually work this one out, because she's just being a stubborn bitch. Get the hell out of bed Maria! "
If you knew you had a week left to live, what would you do?
" Break every law possible. "
" Break every law possible. "
Favorite TV show?
" Party Down. "
" Party Down. "
What's your religion?
" non-religious "
" non-religious "
Greatest movie of all time?
" Wong Kar-Wai's Fallen Angels. Or Doomsday. "
" Wong Kar-Wai's Fallen Angels. Or Doomsday. "
Your partner has put on 50 pounds since you started dating. Do you discuss this with them? Are you still attracted to them? Would you dump them?
" Only if they started as an anorexic whose very nudity inspired bilious stomach churning and now look normal to plump. "
" Only if they started as an anorexic whose very nudity inspired bilious stomach churning and now look normal to plump. "
Three months into dating "the love of your life" you find out that they have a history of drug usage and even prostitution. But they seemingly have changed their life for the better. Do you continue to date them?
" I need to see a blood test now. And to take one. But yes. Upon cleanliness, yes. "
" I need to see a blood test now. And to take one. But yes. Upon cleanliness, yes. "
The classic : You and 14 others are hiding from Nazi soldiers. A baby in the group begins to cry. Do you smother the baby to save the group?
" I can't murder Nazi's in this scenario? What am I, some kind of Jew? Oh, right... "
" I can't murder Nazi's in this scenario? What am I, some kind of Jew? Oh, right... "
You've been dating a super model & the only real reason you stick with them is because of their looks. Your date gets into a car crash which results in scars and burns on their face. How long before you break up?
" Oh, I'd probably just cheat for awhile and when they found out it would happen messily and I'd lose my sugar mama. "
" Oh, I'd probably just cheat for awhile and when they found out it would happen messily and I'd lose my sugar mama. "
You've recently lost your job. You're broke. A known mobster around town offers to give you money for Christmas gifts for your kids and food.
" So, can I have a permanent position running packages or some such? "
" So, can I have a permanent position running packages or some such? "
If you had a chance to colonize Mars, but could not return to earth, would you do it?
" Done and done. There's no frontier like a new frontier. "
" Done and done. There's no frontier like a new frontier. "
If procreation weren't an issue, do you really think members of the opposite sex would talk to each other all that much?
" Yes. Sex is still pretty cool. In fact, I think talk and sex would both increase massively. You don't know any gay people, do you? "
" Yes. Sex is still pretty cool. In fact, I think talk and sex would both increase massively. You don't know any gay people, do you? "
What's one thing you wish you would have known when you had your first sexual experience?
" That she liked it rough. Why on Earth did I bother trying to be gentle, ever? It's called passion, man, passion! "
" That she liked it rough. Why on Earth did I bother trying to be gentle, ever? It's called passion, man, passion! "
You've gone on a couple of dates with a seemingly wonderful person. You find out they have 20 years military experience and in general you're a pacifist..
" Awesome. She is going to be totally rad in the sack. And probably cry when she orgasms from all the memories of murder! My kind of lady. "
" Awesome. She is going to be totally rad in the sack. And probably cry when she orgasms from all the memories of murder! My kind of lady. "
Your boss asks you to work overtime on the weekend, which means missing your child's birthday. How do you response to him?
" Uh, I don't think "no" is a strong enough word? "
" Uh, I don't think "no" is a strong enough word? "
You find out that your wife is pregnant but the child will be born severly handicapped. Your wife wants to abort..
" Let's do it. We'll call it one of God's little obscenities and regard it as appropriately life-weak. "
" Let's do it. We'll call it one of God's little obscenities and regard it as appropriately life-weak. "
What is the greatest advantage that women have over men?
" Sexual power. "
" Sexual power. "
Would you rather know if there's life after death or life on other planets?
" Other planets. Defs. "
" Other planets. Defs. "
You wake up to find yourself naked on a stage in front of a crowd of 3,000 people. What do you say to them?
" I probably just tell jokes, which is what they're probably there to see. My rampant chemical abuse has rendered me nude, but not unclever! "
" I probably just tell jokes, which is what they're probably there to see. My rampant chemical abuse has rendered me nude, but not unclever! "
Your 16 year old daughter just came to you and told you that she was pregnant and but had an abortion yesterday..
" Guess who's getting a year supply of ice cream! To eat while not seeing anyone outside of this house! "
" Guess who's getting a year supply of ice cream! To eat while not seeing anyone outside of this house! "
Have you ever thought about someone else while having sex?
" Mostly alien star children with unfathomably bizarre shadow genitalia. "
" Mostly alien star children with unfathomably bizarre shadow genitalia. "
How would your ex boyfriend/girlfriend describe your personality?
" Probably as a dickhead? But, keep in mind, this is someone I consistently disappointed and ignored to the point of break up, so, I mean, duh. "
" Probably as a dickhead? But, keep in mind, this is someone I consistently disappointed and ignored to the point of break up, so, I mean, duh. "
Describe your most disappointing sexual experience.
" She fucking punched me. Like, a bunch. "
" She fucking punched me. Like, a bunch. "
You've been drinking & are driving home. Someone is in distress and needs help on the side of the road. Do you help?
" Wow. They're really going to need help when I plow into them and their car. Especially since I'll be driving away as fast as possible! "
" Wow. They're really going to need help when I plow into them and their car. Especially since I'll be driving away as fast as possible! "
How are you misunderstood?
" Some people think I'm joking. Sorry, Professor, that racial slur was intended as hate. "
" Some people think I'm joking. Sorry, Professor, that racial slur was intended as hate. "
Do you ever park in a handicapped spots?
" Only if there's a cripple trying to park there and I can steal it from them. "
" Only if there's a cripple trying to park there and I can steal it from them. "
If you could have one question answered about the future of your life, what would it be?
" When and how I die. We gotta maximize the shit in between. "
" When and how I die. We gotta maximize the shit in between. "
What would you like to be remembered for when you die?
" Probably for conquering another star system and subjugating their oil producing children. "
" Probably for conquering another star system and subjugating their oil producing children. "
You're on your deathbed; what would you confess and to whom?
" Ha ha ha. Awesome. "
" Ha ha ha. Awesome. "
You're at a party standing alone against the wall. A good looking person comes up to you, grabs your arm and says "Let's go somewhere"?
" We will be going wherever they are, or just getting some liquor and going adventuring. "
" We will be going wherever they are, or just getting some liquor and going adventuring. "
If your best friend was having an affair and their spouse asked you directly if you knew if they were cheating, would you lie for your friend?
" Yeah. Probably. Of course, I am a monster. "
" Yeah. Probably. Of course, I am a monster. "
Would you be flattered if a person that you had a crush on told you that they had dirty thoughts about you?
" This is typically how these things go, do they not? "
" This is typically how these things go, do they not? "
What is harder, relying on someone or being the person relied upon?
" Relying on someone. "
" Relying on someone. "
If you could date yourself, would you want to?
" Yes. The best part would be foreknowledge of the emotional baggage and inner rage. "
" Yes. The best part would be foreknowledge of the emotional baggage and inner rage. "
Working for a telecommunications company, you discover that the Obama administration has reinstuted Bush's wiretapping programs. Do you tell the media even though it could jeopardize national security?
" I don't actually think they removed much of the wiretapping infrastructure, so... "
" I don't actually think they removed much of the wiretapping infrastructure, so... "
What is the most "sensitive" part of your body?
" The nerves. "
" The nerves. "